Beautiful. Thank you, Paul. You just reminded us that no matter how many ones and zeros we look at, we must never lose sight of what's really important, so...very startup related.
My sincere condolences on losing Stephen. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a sibling so young.
I lost my mother on September 15, 2011, and I'm still devastated. I haven't missed a day of work, but I'm not nearly back to normal. My head says one thing, but my heart says another.
One of the things that brought me great comfort that terrible week was blogging about her and posting that link here at Hacker News.
Thanks for writing this Paul. I lost my dad just over 10 years ago to pancreatic cancer. He was 46 and I was 23, just starting my career. It was a wakeup call about what really matters in life. Now that some time has passed it's easy to lose sight of those lessons. So easy to place value on the 95% of the things in the world that don't really matter and instead ignore the 5% that do. I'd trade all the retina display iDevices I've owned or will ever own if my two year old daughter could meet her grandpa for even a few minutes.
Six months ago, I lost a family member to glioblastoma, another one of those "get your affairs in order" cancers. It was 3 months from beginning to end for us as well.
In the interim, it seems like I've had two sorts of conversations. Ones with people who have experienced loss, and ones with those who haven't. The latter group are perfectly nice people, but there's a gap. So I am very grateful that you've taken the time to write about issues that are so present to me and so many others.
And yes, of course this is about startups: Beginnings and endings. Loss and acceptance. Presence in the moment. Creation and joy. And choosing wisely how to spend what little time we each have.
I lost my mom to glioblastoma. I remember times, near the end, when my mom was so sick that I almost wished she would die sooner, so I could remember her as she used to be, and not frail, sick, unable to form sentences, or remember who I was.
Indeed there is absolutely a divide between those who have lost a close loved one and those who have (yet) not.
It's been about 5 years since it has happened, and it's affected me in a profound manner. Although I'm only 32, I see how temporary everything is. Perhaps it's a morbid viewpoint but I'm not sad or depressed. It's just an interesting philosophy I have naturally gained from going through something so terrible. It's sort of an "it is what it is" type of mentality, and it's almost like I feel that my real age is like 65.
Ever since then, I "take stock" very frequently to ensure that I am living the life I want to live, and I am happy. If I am not, I make changes. Because I know things can sour very quickly. I understand fully now when older people say things that generally equate to "value being healthy", or "health is wealth". I try to value that philosophy every day, and ensure I find happiness in my job, my friends, and family. Indeed, that is my highest priority.
Couldn't agree more about the gap. I'm glad for it, in that it means those people haven't had to experience this acute type of pain and suffering. I'm happy for them. Naturally, as time goes on, more and more of them will experience it, which I guess is another way of saying to folks reading: Take a survey of your family and close friends, count your blessings, and don't take a day for granted.
Thank you for sharing this, a great post that makes the reader's life richer.
In the post, you say:
> On a more practical level, what matters most in our day-to-day lives is that we're good to ourselves and to each other. It's actually not possible to only do one or the other -- we must do both or neither, but that's a topic for another time.
Please do write on this topic. I'd love to read what you have to say on this.
It was indeed beautiful. About the last statement - "Please be good to each other, and your self."
As a developer who has always been short on resources, incurred huge financial losses due to false startup promises and has met two separate incidents of street violence in a span of 4 months, I wish people were nicer, helpful and more concerned about others and that there was a better environment for everyone to grow. I still feel lucky enough not to have a terminal illness. But, a lot of people just burn out because of a bad past. And that's where, I guess, being good to your self part helps.
Thank you for the reminder Paul, and it's very startup related. I'm in bed now from a surgery I just had, and the most painful part about it is the love and support I've received from everyone while feeling that I've been ignorant of them in the past and too focused on my startup work. Again, a great reminder of what is important in life and who will be there when it matters.
Inspiring. My heart goes out to you and your family. Life can be so tragic at times, almost pushing us to breaking points as we try to find the meaning of it all. Thank you for sharing this and reminding us to embrace our pain, to embrace our humanity.
> Sometimes, when I write about startups or other interests of mine, I worry that perhaps I'm communicating the wrong priorities. Investing money, creating new products, and all the other things we do are wonderful games and can be a lot of fun, but it's important to remember that it's all just a game.
It's also a means to an essential end - real wealth creation - that in turn enables us to fund advanced medical research and other long-term bluesky projects that improve the human condition.
There are only a few ways of creating real wealth. You can harvest raw materials from the ground, be they animal, vegetable, or mineral, and apply labor + capital + innovation + time to turn them into products worth more than total cost of their inputs.
That delta in input->output value we call profit, or net revenue, but what it really represents is wealth that was created out of thin air that didn't previously exist. This is perhaps the greatest magic trick humanity has ever invented, and makes all else possible.
You can also provide specialized products or services that reduce the cost of labor, capital, innovation, or time in that equation, which also creates wealth. Much of the software-based startup scene is about both reducing the time and cost of innovation and labor and increasing the value of the computer hardware produced by the first method.
So just keep in mind that those of us fortunate enough to be working in this field are not just competing in a game, we're creating real wealth that can then be used to improve the entire human condition, be it medical, social, governmental, etc. Being good to ourselves and each other is not orthogonal or mutually exclusive to our day jobs, but an ultimate outcome of them.
Paul, whether you realized it or not, you were and are working to save your brother's life, and that of everyone else struck by the whim of nature. It just didn't happen quickly enough, but it's a hard task. One day we'll get there.
This was incredibly sad, but one of the most deeply relatable stories I've read for anyone who has lost a loved one or struggled with grieving. Thank you for submitting, it brought back a lot of memories (good and bad). This part is the must read: I keep looking for meaning, but all I've found so far is that in order to be at peace with the present, we must be at peace with the past, because the present is a product of the past. Accept.
I drove by the same tracks earlier today and I had a very similar initial reaction... I was driving my kids to daycare and couldn't figure out why Menlo Park traffic was so busy that time of day. Drivers in front of me were acting odd and I was starting to get a bit angry. I was in a hurry and people were driving like idiots.
Then I drove by the accident. And my mood shifted immediately. I didn't need to see anything more than the police car blocking the tracks. I knew that it was a tragic situation and saving a couple of minutes on the way to drop my kids off were trivial in comparison.
It's a sad what it takes to snap us back to reality.
I can relate so much, unfortunately. Reading this post, and all the details that you provide about that day - I can remember so well the day that I learned my sister had an accident... and the night that she passed.
I found out it took a lot more effort to get back to normal life afterwards and I feel encouraged that you have been able to.
The worst part is the need for meaning - in what happened and in what you want to happen for your life - and the high burden it can impose on someone.
Two years in, I feel that acceptance is indeed the only way to be able to fly again.
Thank you for this post paul... and good luck handling that day and remember your beloved brother.
I can't help but think it should be investigation & discernment & equanimity rather than acceptance. In buddhism, (as far as i've seen) peace doesn't come from trusting that there's beauty in everything.
Equanimity requires acceptance, at least for me. If you keep asking yourself "Why?" or its terrible cousin "Why me?", it's hard to be equanimous.
The post didn't say that there's beauty in everything, it said that everything that happens, together forms something beautiful. That life is ultimately meaningful in a beautiful way, despite its terrible moments.
I lost my brother a year ago tomorrow, he's also named steve so I found this a bit eerie.. In his case it was self inflicted after a long struggle with bipolar disorder. Thanks for sharing, its good sometimes to hear from others who have gone through an abrupt loss of a loved one too young. Its given me a new perspective on things, at least I hope. It can be hard to find meaning in a career after something like this but I feel one day I will hopefully do something to impact this world in a positive way
Well done. Thank you for sharing this intimate part of you. Please, please everyone: take heed: "Those who push only for the sake of some future reward, or to avoid failure, very often burn out, sometimes tragically. Please don't do that."
To those not taking heed: Being and Internet Celebrity today will provide you no comfort in that not-to-distant tomorrow when your spouse, children, family, and friends have realized that they are not the most important ingredients of your life.
"Ultimately, the people who learn to love what they do who will be the ones who accomplish the most anyway. Those who push only for the sake of some future reward, or to avoid failure, very often burn out, sometimes tragically."
This is one of the best pieces of advice I've read in a long time. Worthy of being framed and hung on the wall above my workspace.
First of all, thanks a lot for sharing this Paul. I have just entered college and have only just started to see the importance of these lessons you illustrate: Accepting the past and being good to ourselves and each other.
Unfortunately, they are learned too late in life by too many people. I myself have spent too much time working for the sake of some future reward instead of the love of my work. The problem with this is that it can create unhealthy feedback loops. You keep working, certain that sooner or later this work you hate will pay off. And when it doesn't, you think you either didn't work hard enough and try again, or you finally decide to find work you love. But when you've spent the past working for a reward that never came, it's really hard to accept the past. That's where some of the most painful burnouts come from.
Make it a point to talk to your parents, and siblings every other day. The absolute minimum should be once a week. Even just a quick "I am busy, but I just wanted to see how you guys doing". Just do it.
I know Paul has caveated advice before in a Startup School talk ('advice = over-generalizations + limited life experience...', I think..). But this seems like such useful advice at all timelines (in work and personal life):
I keep looking for meaning, but all I've found so far is that in order to be at peace with the present, we must be at peace with the past, because the present is a product of the past.
One of those things that's so obvious that it's easy to overlook its importance.
I had a similar experience when I was in college. I was close to finishing school, partied a lot and generally went through life without a care. One night, we were at a bar, and the trains ran right through town and right behind the bar we were at. I was waiting for a friend. When he finally got there after work, he walked up to our table like a zombie, he was completely pale, like a ghost. We asked what was wrong, and he said he just saw a guy kill himself by walking on the train tracks as the train was coming. He was just getting out of his car and saw the whole thing but was powerless to stop it. He said he didn't feel like drinking tonight and turned to walk out of the bar. My group of friends all looked at each other and we all had the same reaction. Time to go. The rest of the night we talked about the fragility of life, and to make sure you tell your family you love them everyday and to enjoy the time you've been given.
Needless to say, that night was a wakeup call. Ever since then, I try and keep a good perspective on what's really important. It's always nice to get a gentle reminder though, so thank you.
"What happened, happened. It's difficult to understand the big picture when our lives are mere brush strokes on the canvas of reality. Trusting that it all fits together to form something beautiful is the purest form of faith. Anything else is a dangerous distraction. No contracts with God, no expectations of reward, just trust."
It has been a principle of mine for the longest time - "Dust to dust, ashes to ashes. There is no reason to vie for a better unknown. Act for here, act for NOW. I can, maybe hope to leave behind a memory for my loved ones to cherish, and if I am fortunate, maybe a legacy for others to look up to."
Thank you for the sentiment, and for sharing. I have not lost anyone close but your words struck a chord with me.
"... What's most important is that we are good too each other, and ourselves. If we "win", but have failed to do that, then we have lost. Winning is nothing....
Please be good to each other, and your self. ..."
Hard won perspective. I'm sorry for your loss Paul.
Except there is no mention of cancer. Is a solution really so much out of reach?
I feel like there's an identity issue here to blame, something along the lines of "we're programmers, we're not about making medical breakthroughs".
Yet I can't shake off the notion that everything, absolutely everything, is interlinked, and we're in a better position, perhaps the only position, to understand and exploit this concept fully, in order to solve such problems.
This is a real problem hackers could solve: early detection of health problems which leads to preventative treatments.
Although I lack any type of expertise outside of building a health startup I think this is probably one of the biggest ways we could reduce the impact of cancer on society... given the technology we have right now.
It's not a matter of medical break-through though, but about building the right monitoring tools, creating meaning out of data, getting people to use them and the greatest challenge for startups: dealing with significant government regulation.
The sensitivity-specificity curve is going to be a roadblock. If your False Positive rate is 0.5%, True Positive rate is 100% and your incidence of disease is 0.1%, the probability that a positive result is indicative of disease is only 17%.
Take a look at mammography, the false negative rate is estimated as high as 30% and the false positive rate of 65%.
If you can stratify your population (ie. increase the disease incidence), you'll do a bit better, but it's an uphill battle. Sure, late detection is a factor in the median life expectancy with pancreatic cancer. However, I suspect that if tumors were detected 6 months earlier, it would move the median survival time by 6 months and make no dent in the 5-year survival rate.
By "Fuck Cancer", do you mean that "Nations should stand together and help drive forward the research and development it takes to prevent and fight cancer"?
While that would be outstanding, it's not really what I meant.
What I meant was that cancer so painfully takes from us - almost all of us - so much that I wish to assign it all of humanity's anger and pain, while at the same time being indifferent to it and living life to its fullest to spite it. All the while understanding that it is a huge and complex beast, and if not cancer, another dreadful parisite of the human condition.
So yeah, I can think of no better expression than Fuck Cancer to express such convoluted emotion.
When I say it, I mean that I'm not fucking letting it break me.
Last year cancer ate my mom's brain. Knowing that it was almost certainly fatal, she still fought it all the way: surgery, chemo, radiation, and a host of complications. She may have died, but cancer didn't win. Even though more tests were the last thing she needed, she participated in a study. After she died in hospice, her body went back to the university hospital so they could take extensive samples for an astrocytoma tissue bank. I'd say that's a fine fuck-you to cancer.
It would certainly nice if nations stood together, et cetera. But if they don't, fuck them. Why? Fuck cancer, that's why.
That would be a nice change from posturing over domination, natural resources, and ideological differences. But I don't expect it to happen.
I find the meme "Fuck <thing that doesn't care>" to be a reflection of the 'accept, accept, accept' mantra. Sort of like the old "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke." where the term meant more 'I expunge them from my consideration' rather than any overt sexual overtones.
The nations of the world aren't going to unite and solve the problem, but the people reading HN could try to figure out what more can be done. Think about these people that we've lost due to pancreatic cancer and maybe it'll motivate enough people, or the right people, that something significant can be done.
Randy Pausch
Steve Jobs
Stephen Buchheit
Patrick Swayze
Ralph Steinman
After Steve Jobs died I looked into where best to give money for research, but I haven't followed through yet. Seems like Stanford or Randy's site might provide the best leads:
There are people who lost their loved ones and those who haven't yet. This is something one has to live through to understand and it is life-altering. In other words, former don't need the "be good to each other" advice and latter can't really appreciate it.
Paul, thanks so much for sharing this. It's very touching and really underscores how easy it is to loose sight of the big picture in life. Very appropriate especially for those caught up in all the craziness that comes with a startup.
Having just now had a conversation about whether we should trade quality of life for an opportunity to work on something cool and make more money, this felt eerily relevant. Thanks for sharing.
You can tell yourself some story that whatever happens is "beautiful" in the end, or that accepting the present moment is somehow "virtuous". Or you can acknowledge the truth, which is that reality sucks, that we weren't made for it, that it wasn't made for us, and that nothing is accomplished by us simply remaining to exist in the face of that. That's right, there's more we can do than just be nice to each other: we can refrain from creating the next generation of sufferers.
Life is unfair, you say. Let's recognize that and act accordingly.
I love posts like this. It's always great to get a healthy dose of perspective. I save articles like this to reread for when I'm getting terribly stressed at work. I think it's tremendously important to recenter priorities every so often. This was well written and I'm glad I read it.
