It's strange, choosing to stick out a Ph.D. (and not just get a masters and be happy) really cemented the competitiveness in my mind for years. I knew from the start I'd never make it to Deep Mind, but I had figured my experience as a SWE and other internships would make me a competitive Research Engineer. Now that I'm applying for jobs and not doing as well as I expected, it's a huge emotional negative for me. I tell myself "Journey before destination" and that I really can focus on my family and enjoy my life, but it doesn't stop the hyper-rational part of myself from saying "but you could have been a self-actualized top research engineer and a family man." To answer you question of "Why fight?", it's that I cannot stop myself, despite trying.

Why put your happiness in other people's hands? Why can't you do the research you want to, already?

Can you rephrase your "why fight" answer to be for anyone else? Do you consider yourself narcissistic?

Thanks for sharing your heart, will probably help someone.

Edit: another thought is to picture yourself as this mega-nerd at the top of the food chain. How do you think they feel? Do they feel inadequate? Maybe they helped make ChatGPT in a big way, but have very little equity. Maybe they are short or balding or have a speech impediment.

I promise you if you live outside yourself and for other people, it will change you. I'm certain you can help thousands underneath you...

"Why put your happiness in other people's hands?"

I ask myself that every time I've submitted a paper. It probably doesn't help that GPA is an easy surrogate for self-worth, which smoothly transformed into publishing for a self-worth measure. And the fact that I don't have particular research I want to do (just that I want to do research), is something I'll have to consider more-- probably a sign of bad foundational motives.

To rephrase the answer, I'll give some extra context. I was a SWE for 2 years before my PhD, and I was financially stable and content. The choice to give up that salary for science was not hard, but it was significant. Now that I've reached the end of my current science road, it would feel like giving up to go be a MLE/SWE. Obviously I could do a post-doc somewhere, but that kicks the can down the road again. I'm pretty sure I'm not a narcissist... I'll ask my friends hah.

Thanks for sharing.

I bet if you think a bit, you're very capable of an _insane_ amount of good. Imagine a 12 year old in your town whose single mom can't afford a laptop. Maybe he or she, this 12 year old, is more capable than even you.

You find that kid somehow, maybe they're your neighbor. Maybe with a gentle push like an old book and your old laptop... you create a great thing.

Maybe it only takes a compliment. Some dumb freshman you're TAing a class for has a rough time. You reach out, buy them lunch, talk about your struggles and success.. who knows, could really fire them up.

I bet the universe will show you a few opportunities in the next month. Don't ignore your purpose that's right in front of you, not to say you are ignoring it! Just trying to be encouraging.