> men at informal EA gatherings tried to convince her
A lot of people are focusing on the polyamory. While that may have been something that offended people or made them uncomfortable, that is not the issue.
The key issues here are around the words "informal" and "convince".
I have non-traditional views about human sexuality. Even if I had traditional views, I spend a lot of time in different cultures where the traditional views can vary quite a bit.
I also strongly believe in talking about ideas, challenging viewpoints, and being non-judgmental and open to new experiences. I talk openly about my views and experiences. Sometimes, I extend invitations to people with different values than me participate in sexual interactions.
Yet, as much as I believe in being open about my views, there are clear boundaries.
On formality: One boundary is that I never talk about sex or sexuality with professional colleagues, or when I am in a position of power. Simply put, some people are not comfortable talking about these things, and if they are not in a position where they feel they can say no or avoid it, talking about it is not ok. It is harassment to talk about sexual topics at a formal gathering. It may be ok to talk about sexual topics at an informal gathering, but if professional colleagues are there, it's wise to approach such topics cautiously or best not at all.
On convincing: it's always a good idea to accept a no gracefully and respectfully. If someone declines an invitation, don't try to convince them. If someone says they are offended by your views, don't try to change their mind. If someone seems hesitant to talk about a topic, don't continue. On the other hand, if all of the participants of a conversation are eagerly engaged and asking about different viewpoints, then it is ok to try to convince others of your viewpoint.
I think frequent problems in tech and these problems in EA arise not because people have non-traditional views or are open about sexuality. The problems happen because people in these groups tend to be a little bit on a spectrum and unaware of power dynamics, people's comfort level, and how those things can affect people's expressions or lack of expressions about consent.
Some simple rules for those in doubt:
1) Never talk about sex with professional colleagues
2) Never try to convince others of your sexual views unless they ask for your opinion
3) When in doubt, don't talk about sex
I am a firm believer in talking openly and without judgment about sexuality. But in order to do so safely, full awareness and respect for these boundaries are key.
I’m just scrolling here astounded that people have difficulty understanding that you’re not supposed to talk about sex when the context of a gathering is academic or professional, and when no one asked you to.
> If someone seems hesitant to talk about a topic, don't continue.
I wish more people followed this advice in general.
One game some people play (which I really hate) is when they say: "I am not asking you about $TOPIC, I am just trying to understand why you do not want to talk about $TOPIC".
Talking about why you do not want to talk about something is still talking about it.
And sometimes I am simply not interested in something or thinking about it any further.
A lot of people are focusing on the polyamory. While that may have been something that offended people or made them uncomfortable, that is not the issue.
The key issues here are around the words "informal" and "convince".
I have non-traditional views about human sexuality. Even if I had traditional views, I spend a lot of time in different cultures where the traditional views can vary quite a bit.
I also strongly believe in talking about ideas, challenging viewpoints, and being non-judgmental and open to new experiences. I talk openly about my views and experiences. Sometimes, I extend invitations to people with different values than me participate in sexual interactions.
Yet, as much as I believe in being open about my views, there are clear boundaries.
On formality: One boundary is that I never talk about sex or sexuality with professional colleagues, or when I am in a position of power. Simply put, some people are not comfortable talking about these things, and if they are not in a position where they feel they can say no or avoid it, talking about it is not ok. It is harassment to talk about sexual topics at a formal gathering. It may be ok to talk about sexual topics at an informal gathering, but if professional colleagues are there, it's wise to approach such topics cautiously or best not at all.
On convincing: it's always a good idea to accept a no gracefully and respectfully. If someone declines an invitation, don't try to convince them. If someone says they are offended by your views, don't try to change their mind. If someone seems hesitant to talk about a topic, don't continue. On the other hand, if all of the participants of a conversation are eagerly engaged and asking about different viewpoints, then it is ok to try to convince others of your viewpoint.
I think frequent problems in tech and these problems in EA arise not because people have non-traditional views or are open about sexuality. The problems happen because people in these groups tend to be a little bit on a spectrum and unaware of power dynamics, people's comfort level, and how those things can affect people's expressions or lack of expressions about consent.
Some simple rules for those in doubt:
1) Never talk about sex with professional colleagues 2) Never try to convince others of your sexual views unless they ask for your opinion 3) When in doubt, don't talk about sex
I am a firm believer in talking openly and without judgment about sexuality. But in order to do so safely, full awareness and respect for these boundaries are key.