I know how you feel because I believe that I've been through the same amount of hardship. First of all, you're not alone, so get help. Second of all, you can learn to use the emotions you feel and use them to your benefit. It's possible to transmute these by using the energy and redirect it onto what you'd like to achieve. This can be a extremely powerful catalyst. Try it. What you focus on will create the momentum and goal you move towards. Focus on what you want or where you want to be.