I think for me, the hardest part is reconciling two things: 1) maybe being _too content_ or satisfied with life's mundanity — the idea of being settled down and spending most of my free time at home with my dog, playing video games, reading news, watching interesting videos, and occasionally reading a good book — with the occasional social gathering with friends, whether that's hosting a small party, or going to a fun local festival or event, and 2) finding a woman who is okay with what could be considered a relatively "boring" lifestyle. Most I end up meeting and dating are stir-crazy, I find later.
I obviously enjoy getting out of the house, but it's seldom. I go on hikes, explore local events a small few times a year, and play in a recreational volleyball league once or twice per year in seasons.
Despite all of this, I once had a woman tell me she "doesn't want to live on the couch" in response to my overall sedentary lifestyle. That's completely valid of her to think that, but I for one don't mind how much time I spend at home engaging with mostly solitary hobbies while I'm not working. I'm also pretty stubborn and unmotivated despite my overall contentment and satisfaction with life.
I want to find a wife who is content with a mostly simple, settled life with a little adventure sprinkled in between, but not so much I start to feel home sick, and it doesn't take much. XD
This is me, this is me. Ahah. But, I'm not sure I'm looking for a wife though. it is draining having a partner/relationship for me. After a while, I just go silent and kinda avoid communication. I'm in my 30s, sometime I'm scared to be old and alone. I can't make my mind up. The fact is that I mostly like doing my hobbies alone. This makes difficult for me to have companionship. Even eating, I prefer to do it alone.
Ah yes! Sorry, I should have mentioned that. I am in my early 30's, dated a few women in my late 20's after a long break from dating, and was ultimately not successful. I am reasonably attractive/average, and can strike up a fun conversation, though I struggle with my longer-term relationships because I don't often have a lot new to share in life, and I love listening to other people's lives, as much as they're willing to share. I can always ask great follow-up questions and keep the conversation going smoothly — but I mention all this because it's certainly a core insecurity I have, that people may think I am not sharing enough with them because my life is so simple, and my interests are niche enough that I feel rude boring people to death about programming and gaming. Outside of that, I love politics, but that's a tricky topic.
I can relate a lot with what you said. I think deep down, I have a sincere desire to be married and (maybe) have children. The children part feels draining to me just thinking about it because I cherish my alone time and hobbies SO much. I know if I meet someone who respects my hobbies and alone time without any drama around it, that woman and I would be a very happy couple.
I'm with you though: I mostly prefer to engage with what I love doing alone, including eating. I will go out to eat with friends on occasion, or cook a tasty meal for friends hanging out at my house, but I generally have the luxury of solitude. One of by biggest fears is being bound to a regular interval of social activity, so if anyone ever tells me "We should do thing X or Y every Tuesday!", I panic, and soften the request with: "I may not be able to every week, but I'd love to from time to time. Let's figure out a day that works next week!" and go from there. Nobody is entitled to your time that regularly, especially as we get older and more committed to our responsibilities.
Finally I'll say, if you do decide to "get into the game" again with dating, just be upfront with whomever your partner is about your habits and preferences. It's hard not to feel like an asshole about it, but there are tactful, kind ways to strike compromise and understanding with those you love. When communicated as a deep need of your own, rather than an indictment against their social wishes, it can go a long way. Not everyone will agree or be amenable to that, but they also don't exist to shape your calendar or lifestyle. Another tip for early relationships, if you find there is tension around how much time you spend together, saying something like: "You know, I love spending time with you, but it's going to take some time for me to adjust to dating again. I've spent the last 10-20 years of my life comfortable being alone and chasing after my life without a partner this whole time. Thanks for being patient with me as we both adjust to this awesome new relationship!"
It's okay to expect others to adapt to your relatively non-intrusive ways of living. On the flip side, if you desire companionship with others, and thusly, a romantic relationship, some compromise will be necessary, but having secure, level-headed conversations about this with people is 100% the key. The empathy will flow both ways. I recommend reading "Attached" by Amir Levine for more insight on secure conversations with anxious or avoidant people.
"I just really need (and enjoy) being alone or being able to enjoy my interests without others interacting with me a lot of the time, and I know you love hanging out doing X and Y, and I love spending time with you whenever we're both feeling it, so let's play it by ear!"
Anyway, thanks for reading my novel. I hope this helps. It's encouraging to meet another person who feels the struggle between contentedness in solitude and our need for relationship.
I never thought I'd say these words but -- I feel seen, I feel heard. I'm more into going to parties but I guard my alone time as a sacred duty.
To add my own twist to both of your stories: I just had an amazing date yesterday with someone who thinks like us. Of course it's only been one date so I could be misunderstanding them.
If both parties value their alone time it means scheduling time together is drastically simplified; you both do it only after each other's batteries are recharged, and you won't feel bad if you say no to a meetup :)
Wow, good luck! Hope the dates continue going well, but I bet it's refreshing to be on the same page about that. It's a highly underrated quality for both people to respect each other's time.
Too many go into relationships assuming all of their time will be consumed with each other. In the honeymoon phase, maybe; but not for long after that.
I have dated so many divorced and separated women that just couldn't deal with the video games anymore. Way more so than financial problems. Financial problems didn't make them feel actively and completely ignored day in and day out.
Almost like the ultimate aphrodisiac in 2022 is a guy who hates video games.
I'm sorry you feel this way, and it's easy to become cynical after several failures on that front (I'm assuming) — I know many happily married men with amazing wives who generously allow their husbands to play video games for a reasonable amount of time, and they have children too. It's not universal, but ultimately they found women who respect them.
Another parallel I draw is: many women binge shows on Netflix and Disney+, or binge-read fiction novels, or [insert their own hobbies here] — and they especially have no room to criticize men for playing video games. Heck, many women have taken up playing games too when they find the right genre.
> Yea that is just not going to happen.
I actually dated someone who was quite a homebody herself, but things didn't work out for other reasons, not so much our lifestyles.
If not receiving constant attention counts as being ignored, then I'm not sure what to tell them.
I obviously enjoy getting out of the house, but it's seldom. I go on hikes, explore local events a small few times a year, and play in a recreational volleyball league once or twice per year in seasons.
Despite all of this, I once had a woman tell me she "doesn't want to live on the couch" in response to my overall sedentary lifestyle. That's completely valid of her to think that, but I for one don't mind how much time I spend at home engaging with mostly solitary hobbies while I'm not working. I'm also pretty stubborn and unmotivated despite my overall contentment and satisfaction with life.
I want to find a wife who is content with a mostly simple, settled life with a little adventure sprinkled in between, but not so much I start to feel home sick, and it doesn't take much. XD