> Relationship troubles? You might think the problem is that you married the wrong person, or that you need to work on yourself, and these might of course be true. But also, it's worse than you think – because two humans living and growing together is just inevitably a matter of having one's buttons pushed and one's old psychological issues triggered.
There was a point in my marriage, about four years (and one child) into it, when I convinced myself that I had married the wrong person and needed out. My feeble attempt to tell this to my wife was the most gut-wrenchingly painful experience of my life. Next year we will be celebrating ten years of marriage.
It was worse than I thought: not only was I married to the wrong person, but attempting to leave would saddle me with a lifetime of guilt and regret for choosing to break up a not-unhappy home. My wife may be a poor match for me, but I’m the one who offered her the ring.
Of course, the realization that a problem is unsolvable never ceases to be traumatic. But as the author quotes Bruce Tift, it’s reassuring to know that with time one can redefine the problem out of existence and move on with living.
"Your love is one in a million
You couldn't buy it at any price
But of the nine-point-nine-nine-nine-hundred-thousand other possible loves
Statistically, some of them would be equally nice"
-- Tim Minchin, If I Didn't Have You (Someone else would do)
I've come to terms with the notion that my 10yr marriage is ok. Not perfect, but also not bad. I see it as a partnership - and so does she.
But if I ever got to the point where I was unhappy in her company, persistently, I think it would benefit everyone to separate. Maybe temporarily at first to see how it is for us.
I don't think anyone, including your wife, would expect you to stay unhappy just because you made that offer to her 10 years ago.
There was a point in my marriage, about four years (and one child) into it, when I convinced myself that I had married the wrong person and needed out. My feeble attempt to tell this to my wife was the most gut-wrenchingly painful experience of my life. Next year we will be celebrating ten years of marriage.
It was worse than I thought: not only was I married to the wrong person, but attempting to leave would saddle me with a lifetime of guilt and regret for choosing to break up a not-unhappy home. My wife may be a poor match for me, but I’m the one who offered her the ring.
Of course, the realization that a problem is unsolvable never ceases to be traumatic. But as the author quotes Bruce Tift, it’s reassuring to know that with time one can redefine the problem out of existence and move on with living.