I can’t take anyone that lists php in the top 5 and python in the bottom 5 seriously.

I can't tell if it's meant to be taken seriously or not. But if it is, someone needs to learn that rants backed by very little thought do not get taken seriously.

And even if it wasn't meant to be taken seriously... this reads like it was written with a 15-year-old's idea of what "clever" is. I don't know of many people that want to read very much of that.

The best programming language is the one that gets the job done.