First of all, I am so sorry you and your mother are experiencing this. As you state, it is life and life can be unfair. We like to think we have some measure of control and then something like cancer comes along and detonates your life and the routines that you have built up.
I lost my wife last month to an aggressive form of lymphoma. Se was diagnosed in January and was dead by October. It was a shocking experience for me, and for her of course. There was so much she wanted to do and now she isn't able to do any of it. That is the part that hurts me the most.
There is so much good advice in the other comments and I may end up repeating them, so I apologize.
I was the primary care giver for my wife and I was able to work for a while during the first few months. This gave me a sense of normality in an extremely abnormal situation. We both assumed the various treatments would work and we tried to live our normal lives. Looking back, this was a mistake. I should have taken leave right away, just to remove the noise of daily stand-ups, shipping features and the usual flow of working as a developer. If I had only known Melanie only had nine months, I would have been more in the present.
This is not to say you should smother your mother with attention. There is a balance. I wish I wouldn't have had other non-essential things filling my mind so that I could have just been present, even if it meant just being near, reading a book, programming on things that were interesting but non-pressing.
I don't know your mothers mental state. We all want to say things like "You will get better" or "You are so strong and brave". You might get fixated on finding cancer trials and try to manage the treatment. This isn't a bad thing, but don't make it the focus of your relationship.
Cancer is brutal and cruel. Our technology has made great gains, but there is no guarantee the cancer will go into remission or be eliminated. The treatment may extend life, but it will also cause severe distress to the patient. Your mother will probably get a port installed into her chest. It will be a constant reminder to her that she has cancer. Treat her with love and as normal as you possibly can.
She will have mood swings, feel hopeless, hopeful, get depressed, get angry, be euphoric, get crushed by reality and more. It is a roller coaster.
Be sure to take care of yourself. Get rest, exercise, eat well, meditate, enjoy nature and beauty. Share your emotional state with friends. Be open and receptive to feedback from those you trust.
Your mother may get better and I really hope she does! She also may not and this is a sad fact. Let her make decisions about her treatment if things aren't looking good. Figuring out how to maintain quality of life is important.
No one wants to hear it, but plan for palliative care and hospice before things get too bad. We don't have to suffer and be in pain as we near the end of life. Hospice is so important and I wish I had done a better job noticing the signs of pain and end of life earlier to make things easier for my wife.
I have so much empathy for you that I am almost in tears. I wish the best for for you and want you to be strong. What you are going through is one of the hardest things you will face in life. Please feel to reach out to me if you ever need to talk about anything.
I lost my wife last month to an aggressive form of lymphoma. Se was diagnosed in January and was dead by October. It was a shocking experience for me, and for her of course. There was so much she wanted to do and now she isn't able to do any of it. That is the part that hurts me the most.
There is so much good advice in the other comments and I may end up repeating them, so I apologize.
I was the primary care giver for my wife and I was able to work for a while during the first few months. This gave me a sense of normality in an extremely abnormal situation. We both assumed the various treatments would work and we tried to live our normal lives. Looking back, this was a mistake. I should have taken leave right away, just to remove the noise of daily stand-ups, shipping features and the usual flow of working as a developer. If I had only known Melanie only had nine months, I would have been more in the present.
This is not to say you should smother your mother with attention. There is a balance. I wish I wouldn't have had other non-essential things filling my mind so that I could have just been present, even if it meant just being near, reading a book, programming on things that were interesting but non-pressing.
I don't know your mothers mental state. We all want to say things like "You will get better" or "You are so strong and brave". You might get fixated on finding cancer trials and try to manage the treatment. This isn't a bad thing, but don't make it the focus of your relationship.
Cancer is brutal and cruel. Our technology has made great gains, but there is no guarantee the cancer will go into remission or be eliminated. The treatment may extend life, but it will also cause severe distress to the patient. Your mother will probably get a port installed into her chest. It will be a constant reminder to her that she has cancer. Treat her with love and as normal as you possibly can.
She will have mood swings, feel hopeless, hopeful, get depressed, get angry, be euphoric, get crushed by reality and more. It is a roller coaster.
Be sure to take care of yourself. Get rest, exercise, eat well, meditate, enjoy nature and beauty. Share your emotional state with friends. Be open and receptive to feedback from those you trust.
Your mother may get better and I really hope she does! She also may not and this is a sad fact. Let her make decisions about her treatment if things aren't looking good. Figuring out how to maintain quality of life is important.
No one wants to hear it, but plan for palliative care and hospice before things get too bad. We don't have to suffer and be in pain as we near the end of life. Hospice is so important and I wish I had done a better job noticing the signs of pain and end of life earlier to make things easier for my wife.
I have so much empathy for you that I am almost in tears. I wish the best for for you and want you to be strong. What you are going through is one of the hardest things you will face in life. Please feel to reach out to me if you ever need to talk about anything.