> what do I do when I fundamentally disagree with someone else about the implicit sexism or bias of an expression?
In this case you ask at least one 3rd party, maybe more. Some of your mentors should be similar to the person who feels victimized, in this case a woman. So do that in real life where you know them, not online.
> What if it's something as innocuous as "low-hanging fruit", and, a colleague is offended by that?
Haha, that's pretty funny and apt. Lead with that when you ask for advice on this.
> I feel victimised, and they feel victimised.
That's also fine. You deserve to have your concerns heard. When someone else is the first to raise a concern with you, it's necessary to listen to them first. Then when they indicate they feel understood (you can ask them directly), you can follow with your concern.
Thanks for the thoughtful and considered replies, lots of food for thought! I genuinely wish to understand how to approach these issues better in terms of my own internal thought processes but also how others feel. At some point though, I think the feelings of others have less merit than my own, I'm just unsure how to be certain of where that boundary is and want to avoid being an inconsiderate jerk at the same time.
> I think the feelings of others have less merit than my own, I'm just unsure how to be certain of where that boundary is and want to avoid being an inconsiderate jerk at the same time.
Good news, you're on the right track. Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step. Many people don't get there.
If you're introspective, get some self help books. John Gray's Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus [1] can open doors to understanding the opposite sex, even if you don't agree with everything he writes. The crux of the problem is we all assume everyone wants the same thing, and we do, but we prioritize things differently. So, people spend a lot of time giving what they want to receive because that's what they want. Then we feel empty and spent.
It's like if I like coffee and you like milk. I keep gifting you coffee and you keep gifting me milk. Neither of us "feel whole" from these transactions. The gifts don't feel thoughtful to the recipient. Meanwhile, we think we have everything we want, yet we know something's missing and we can't figure it out.
In this case you ask at least one 3rd party, maybe more. Some of your mentors should be similar to the person who feels victimized, in this case a woman. So do that in real life where you know them, not online.
> What if it's something as innocuous as "low-hanging fruit", and, a colleague is offended by that?
Haha, that's pretty funny and apt. Lead with that when you ask for advice on this.
> I feel victimised, and they feel victimised.
That's also fine. You deserve to have your concerns heard. When someone else is the first to raise a concern with you, it's necessary to listen to them first. Then when they indicate they feel understood (you can ask them directly), you can follow with your concern.