Life is a journey, I'm not even fucking journeying. My expectations are lower than you can imagine.
But no, I wake up every day wishing I was dead, I don't accomplish anything I set out to do, I don't enjoy my job, don't enjoy my food, don't enjoy talking to people, don't enjoy the trees.
I'm not writing this for pity, I know no one gives a fuck.
But reading "oh well, you should have more purpose" drives me fucking insane. It's the same shit I have had people say to my face.
You know what I need? Medication. The right one, the stuff I had once. And now I don't. Because doctors are no better than robots and should've never gotten the responsibility of managing one's life.
Our brains are physical organs that break the same way a leg or the liver does. There is no reason to avoid treating brains like we do all the other organs. But no, "well, try to will it into existence" is the main MO of doctors with supposedly years of education and experience. Not to mention the commonly held belief.
Because most people have never gone through any serious mental illness and just can't imagine the hell.
Every day was the same without any enjoyment, and I considered just throwing myself in front of a bus. I tried some drugs from the doctor, and I lost control of my mind. It wasn't pleasant. The process for diagnosis was laughable. So, I tried weed for the first time.
Now, weed wasn't a magic fix, but I did a few bong hits and I didn't feel anything at first. Then, I went to drink some water and it was as if I saw the radiant beauty of glass and light interact for the first time. There I was standing in my kitchen staring at the bottle of a glass. I was in awe.
Now, I don't really need weed anymore, but I did develop a sense of awe of the wonder of reality. It's kind of amazing to think about things like why do we exist.
Purpose is how we distract ourselves or amuse ourselves, but curiosity is how we can find gratitude for the positive things in life. Here we are. We are a part of the universe that can observe the universe. What the fuck are we? What is consciousness? What does it mean to be alive?!?
I give a fuck, but I also don't know how to help. Most people barely know how to take care of themselves because we live in a chaotic world. We are frail beings living fragile lives in a psychotic world.
But no, I wake up every day wishing I was dead, I don't accomplish anything I set out to do, I don't enjoy my job, don't enjoy my food, don't enjoy talking to people, don't enjoy the trees.
I'm not writing this for pity, I know no one gives a fuck.
But reading "oh well, you should have more purpose" drives me fucking insane. It's the same shit I have had people say to my face.
You know what I need? Medication. The right one, the stuff I had once. And now I don't. Because doctors are no better than robots and should've never gotten the responsibility of managing one's life.
Our brains are physical organs that break the same way a leg or the liver does. There is no reason to avoid treating brains like we do all the other organs. But no, "well, try to will it into existence" is the main MO of doctors with supposedly years of education and experience. Not to mention the commonly held belief.
Because most people have never gone through any serious mental illness and just can't imagine the hell.